I came across this quote from Anthony de Mello from a book I recently borrowed from the library. The truth of this quote just cut through me:
Don’t change. Change is impossible, and even if it were possible, it is undesirable. Stay as you are. Love yourself as you are. And change, if it is at all possible, will take place by itself when and if it wants. Leave yourselves alone. The only growth-promoting change is that which comes from self-acceptance.
Hi! Hi. Nobody reads this. It’s great. I’m still here. I miss blogging. I miss the pace of blogging. Hanging out online with my friends in That Other Place seems like it moves too fast for me most of the time. I’ve thought about buying a domain name or continuing here. I’m not sure what I’ll do.
If this were an actual post, your eyes wouldn’t have to squint to see it.
Why does this have to be so difficult and ridiculous?
Note to self: That was the “Heading 2” setting. What a fucking fugly font!
I hate quinoa. I’ve tried making it a couple of ways, tried to give it a fair chance. Ain’t happening. I tried another recipe this morning. I’m not going to link to it because I don’t need to spread the quinoa misery to you, dear reader. But I thought this time it would be different. This time it would be good because it had spinach and feta in it. Right? Spinach and feta: marriage made in heaven. Not this time. The stupid quinoa ruined it all. Eating it feels like punishment. And the absurd amount of water you need to rinse it off (or else it’ll taste soapy/bitter) negates its ‘superfood’ status (hate that word). I feel bad for the Bolivians.
In the fall of 1993, I spent a college semester in Paris. All but one of my classes were in French; my favorite class (no surprise, if you know me) was Expatriate Writers.
We read everything you can imagine that would be on such a syllabus. It included my introduction to Tropic of Cancer. I loved and hated Henry Miller. I can’t remember if Anais Nin was actually on our syllabus, or if her Delta of Venus was extracurricular reading we passed to each other between classes. It may have come from my classmate who traveled with her own circulating library of Nancy Friday books.
I still have my ancient paperback of Henry James’s The American with all of my nutter 20-year-old marginalia. Two decades later, why bother to self-censor? The used bookstore in Massachusetts that I bought it from (I hauled a lot of books over to France and then brought even more back home, quelle horreur) is still in business and I am still a patron.
We read The Age of Innocence at the same time the larger-than-life posters advertising Le Temps de l’Innocence were plastered all over the metro stations. My heart wanted to beat out of my chest every time I ran past these posters to catch a train. I felt like my unnameable passion could have kept me in the movie theatre for a month to watch it over and over again. Eventually we saw the movie en V.O., which was simply captivating.
That fall, though, some of my most enchanting moments were the stretches of time spent sitting outside anywhere I possibly could to read The Age of Innocence. I soaked up the autumnal weather in all its wind, low sun, changing leaves, crisp air, and mostly avoided the rain. I tucked into that paperback while all of Paris was swirling around me. Enchantée, Mme. Wharton. Now I think I understand why you came to Paris.
I love this. I stole it from some website a while back, and now I can’t remember where it came from. I wish I could find this in a large poster; I would frame it and hang it up in the house for sure.
I’ve been doing long runs on Sundays. I’m easily amused by what goes on in my head and right in front of me.
–Wow, it’s really hot out. Maybe I’ll just turn around and go back home. My arms are already so red from the sun. Do I want to get skin cancer or something?
–I have to run in the heat so I can be ready for my upcoming race. I don’t want a repeat of the 10K. I was a complete nut to sign up for the Falmouth lottery. What were they thinking when they picked me, anyway? Who the hell gets in on their first attempt?
–Hey, this is great! I can keep up this turtle pace all day long! I’ll pretend I’m at the beach!
–That pizza place has been ‘closed for renovations’ for a really long time. Maybe it’s closed because there are already like a dozen pizza places in a two-mile radius from here.
–Now I need a walk break. Hot enough for ya?
–My beloved city library, so beautifully air-conditioned, why must you be closed on Sundays?
–Hills. I can do these! Badass!
–And now I walk.
–Hi, Dunkies. Thank god my bladder is okay right now. Maybe I’ll see you on the return.
–Hey, these Gu Chomps are really good! They’re like candy! But with caffeine! I love running! Exclamation points!
–Time to stop at the playground to refill my water bottle. Thank god there aren’t any loose dogs running around.
–Halfway done! Turnaround point! WHOO HOO! Oh, that’s awesome, it’s so late in the morning that the bookstore is actually open. Do not go in. Do not go in. Do not go in!
–I wonder if Stacy has started reading the book we’re going to talk about. Maybe she’s doing it right now. I’m already so behind!
–And I wonder if any of my friends are out for a run right now. No, they’re probably not, because they seem like reasonable people and wouldn’t be running in this heat & humidity. And sun. How red is my face right now?
–I like my tech tees. They really do keep me cool. What the hell was I thinking wearing a thin cotton tee for the 10K? That thing was like lead on me. And why was that guy who just passed me completely shirtless?
–This part of the lake stinks to high heaven; too bad you can’t hold your breath.
–Oh, hi again, Dunkies. I guess I don’t have to use your bathroom after all because I’ve SWEATED OUT every drop of water I’ve consumed.
–Wow, there are a lot of very tanned church-going old ladies wearing white this morning. I bet that church ain’t air conditioned.
–My lips are really salty.
–No, weirdo in the car who just called me honey, I don’t know where the cemetery is. Do you have a shovel in your trunk or something?
–Downhill running makes me feel like I can run faster than I actually can! Whee! Breeze! See, I can do this, and I DO feel ready for Falmouth!
–Thanks, bank clock. I really needed to know it was 93 degrees right now. You see, I tried to ignore the bank clock earlier that said it was 91.
–7 minutes from my house: I’m just going to pour the rest of this very hot water over my head now.
–Now that it’s over, I can’t wait to do it again!
So then this Sunday it was a balmy 86 degrees by the time I was finishing up. I’ve been doing an out and back route, and in the last two miles, there was an older gentleman getting into an air-conditioned car in a driveway (lucky). In his heavy local accent, he says, “You’re looking great!” Full of encouragement. I turned around and said, “It’s hot!” I laughed and kept going. He said, “Keep it up!” Yeah, I think I will.